By Monica LeBansky
When Bob approached me to join him on his podcast, my first instinct was to run. Just because (by the grace of God) I’ve been able to enjoy years of sobriety, it doesn’t mean that I am not still plagued by feelings of inadequacy and doubt. I’ve learned that my job is to acknowledge those feelings in myself and then to trust God and act accordingly. What if I said “no” to that new sponsee because I didn’t feel like I had something to offer? What if my sponsor had done that? I believe that a responsibility of my sobriety is to answer the call ESPECIALLY when it’s scary or inconvenient (which it usually tends to be!).
On imposter syndrome- What the heck is that about? I have truly overcome a hopeless state of mind and body by God’s grace and I still worry that I have nothing meaningful to say on the subject. Over the past 7+ years, I have “done” AA less than perfectly. I’ve missed nightlies, I’ve missed meetings and I’ve acted out of fear as opposed to my God-consciousness. Hell, I’ve even thought that maybe Yoga could replace the 12-Steps (can I say that out-loud?!). But the one thing I haven’t done is let my pride keep me from observing these shortcomings and being honest with someone about them. I haven’t let the feelings of guilt over not doing AA perfectly keep me from doing it at all.
My mind still tends to be pretty black or white. I believe God and this program helps me to see and enjoy the grey. We can be many things at once. We can be scared and still do something. We can miss meetings and nightlies and still be a good AA. We can have doubts and take the action regardless and experience the goodness and abundance that our creator wants for all of us.
So if you feel scared of not doing AA perfectly (and my guess is most of us probably wont), remember that “God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him”. Keep seeking and keep growing my friends.